29/08/2017
: Before I met you life had always meant me being with books, movies, music & Facebook. Being single was a cool idea, things around were cool, no worries, and no regrets. All on a sudden, I happened to realize, the problem with these stuffs is, there’s no conversation. So, I needed you.
: Why me??
: I don’t know actually. All on a sudden, life sounded to me to meet a beautiful girl who doesn’t have a boyfriend and admits it to me.
: Later, you decided to leave. Ridiculous! Just ridiculous!!
: Except your excessive vanity & 'career, then life' attitude, I like everything you have and have not. You’ll walk a long way if I’m not beside you. That’s why, I am not with you.
: Don’t say ‘everything’, I wish you liked at least one thing I’d! Now you claim you liked everything, huh? Surprising!!
: You are a masterpiece of God (like everyone else…… hahaha), you belong to yourself & to your own family ........... No one on earth deserves you!!!
: No no no! No one on this earth understands me. But, deep in my heart, someone is there whom I really miss every time, and really want him; whatever, just forget it!
: Maybe ............ only your family members understand it and behave rudely when anyone else tries to understand........ That’s why just be with yourself & your own family, & most importantly, BE HAPPY; no matter, with or without whomever, whatever!
: You never care whatever I think, however I miss you, whenever I want you. You have created your own world and never let the rest of the world enter it. You have no idea about who misses you, how badly she wants you, how shattered she feels when you don’t respond.
: If you miss someone, just tell him before it's too late.......... When we don't decide, God Himself decides......... It's the rule of Nature. The only problem with golden moments is that they just pass by too early.
: Hahahahaha………..
: Smile Arundhati, God smiles back. No matter, you like it or not, but He’ll.
: What do you mean, A***n?
: I don’t know. If I did, at least I could brag about my talent.
: You are also much conceited which you yourself don’t even know. You tell & do some boastful things that others notice, maybe you don’t mean, still some meaning is there. I used to feel bad when someone told bad things about you; still I do. You’ll never understand. You think girls like me are not marriage materials. I know what I’m; so, I don’t think it at all. To me, life is not as you think. You have your own ideas about life, so do I. Maybe, we failed to understand each other. Whatever, we can’t see our backs, it’s not a problem; the problem is, we feel comfortable to forget that still others can. No worries, it’s natural. I know, these talks mean nothing to you. You’ll humiliate me any time writing these things publicly on Facebook. No problem, I’ve got used to bad feelings.
: Leave the feelings of all people; just let them feel whatever the Hell they want to feel. I never expect all to be happy with what I'm, how I'm, why I'm so............. I just don't care whether people, who can't be happy with me, who are always there to find fault with me but never can appreciate the few good things I’ve, are beside me or not. Even if they don’t leave me, I just leave them............ Sometimes it's great fortune to be just with yourself, and even much better, with some, if you’re lucky enough or at least with someone who feels comfortable with the unpleasant things you have. All have unpleasant things, but not everyone can master the art of hiding. Some girls like hypocrites, I know. But I can’t be that smart to be that double-faced. I can’t even sometimes handle the one face I’ve, how can even dare to have another one! hahaha……….. Better to be a scoundrel than to be a hypocrite. Sorry, I failed to tell you & your family what I never thought & believed.
: Why not just say it directly; you are just happy without me? Nothing surprising, you always used to be!
: You again misunderstand. OK, let me explain (though I believe, love needs no explanation). I'm just happy without your family; never that, I'm happy without you. You still mean a lot to me. Hope, it makes sense. Your family is too arrogant to stand (for me)! They better find a spineless boy for you whom they can tell whatever the Hell they like! Not always, you have to show & keep on announcing what you have; if you truly achieve something, people can understand. It's never a good idea to underestimate people who don't feel comfortable to brag............ Often, people who can't walk further, just brag & let the world know their limit. I believe, whatever you brag about, defines your limit & capacity................ When your journey is yet to complete, you have to just walk, not tell others---See! It's only me on earth, who can walk!
: You want to make me cry again. I know, you’ll soon start rebuking me, and as usual I’ll start crying. I really fear you. You only scare and scare; never love. I love to study; it’s the problem in your eye. No problem, start rebuking, I’ve no one here to stop me from crying. I feel so helpless.
: Don't misunderstand me.
: No no, rebuke rebuke! I’ll keep on crying. What you want only is my tears.
: Don't cry, as I don't deserve your tears. And, you’ve no one around to stop you? No no, you'll always find someone who stops me from making you cry, as they have the firm belief no one else on earth can make you cry only to make you feel better when he makes you smile later. I’ve time to cry for you & wait for you to make me smile, but you have no time to cry for me, huh? As long as, you're in this cycle, don't expect anyone else to make you cry, make you smile, make you unhappy, make you happy. Your family owns you in such a way that deters all on earth from being with you. And, the only thing that matters, YOU ARE QUITE HAPPY WITH IT! So, be happy with your family, career, life, vanity, beliefs............. My dear, only peace & happiness matter ......... no matter with or without whomever or whatever you're. Be just as you want to be. Forgive me as I could not be as you & your family wanted........... I just wanted to live a life before I die, not to be in the popular rat-race............. The problem with that race is that, even if you win, you still remain a rat............ I have always wanted to be a human being, not a rat. I believe, job for life, not life for job. I can’t plan for a decade as I’m too busy living in this present ten seconds. I live in every moment’s world. I’ve no aim in life. To me, life is just living without sighs. No big big dreams! Dreams happen to meet, na? Dream means to be happy with the beauty of small things……myself, my family, some kind people around me. Sorry for my poor vision. And forget everything I've written; all are soliloquies, just soliloquies. It’s all like my own life that signifies nothing. Life is an old tale told by an idiot.
: It’s you who have left me. You never understood me, did you?
: No no, you & your family made me leave; to be precise, it was your family............. I still wonder, how more rude a person could be!!! I'm sorry, forgive me. And, probably you’d wanted it, I could understand later. How foolish I was!!! ………In love, there is stupidity............ I don't regret, I was right and I’d every right to be an emotional fool! If you love someone, you can never leave!! Never!! You can do whatever the Hell you want to do, but never can you leave. But you did it!! No worries, just be happy in the way you & your family want to be. I’ve disturbed you a lot, hampered your study, career........... You father, your family and most unfortunately, you yourself think so!!! How helpless I felt!! You have no idea............ Please don't cry, I don't deserve your tears, really I don’t!
(………….silence………….)
: I felt like crying, that’s why I left the conversation. Sorry. You know I’ve problems in my head. So, marry soon. Otherwise, I’ll knock & give you pains forever. I do promise!
: No no, I'm happy being single. I couldn’t realize it earlier. Being single is cool, really it’s! Hahaha……….
: What do you mean? I can’t understand.
: Thanks, God you can’t! If you could, your CGPA would lower! Be happy with being dumb enough to score higher CGPA!
: Uffffff…………. You’ve still stayed impossible!! At least tell me what I’ve not understood. Please!
: I’m not that much meritorious like you. If you can’t, how can I understand! If I were meritorious I could have a good academic result like you. And, people couldn’t make me listen whatever they liked! Now I understand, girls with a higher CGPA should not make the boys fall in love! They have only one feeling: I must study! I must study!! ……… No other feeling in their heart let alone love! A girl must not have common sense, sense of humour & feeling of love to score a high CGPA. True!
: You still feel comfortable to scold me as ‘meritorious’? Well well………
: And, you still think I was born only to marry, not to be a Harvard graduate, huh?
: What do you mean?
: Nothing, as before, just some rubbish talks! You see, I’m still a mad.
: I still can’t understand what makes you angry! Please tell it exactly.
: Hahahaha………… Leave it, just leave it! You or your family has never cared whatever bu****it I think or I don’t. You are a genius and find another genius for yourself. I can bet, your children will be masterpieces on earth! Please forgive me for my foul talks.
: You deserve a hard blow on your nose. RIGHT NOW! ………. Aren’t you going out for an afternoon stroll? If possible, please wear something blue today; shirt or T-shirt. Not that you always have to wear black to catch the girls’ eyes! hahaha………
: OMG! You are still living with me!!! What does it mean! You are in love again? How come!!
: Don’t tell ‘again’. I’ve always been! I’m not like you. Huh! Maybe I still love you, otherwise why the Hell you still haunt my mind?!
: Oh ‘maybe’. That means you’re still confused. Girls have a natural talent to stay confused; ALWAYS! I see!
: Leave it. I’ve just told you what I feel. I’m still crazy for you.
: You can never ever be so crazy like me only because you’ve a good CGPA. You are not that type. Good students are desperate just for the result not for love. Or, maybe I lack some qualities to make you love me madly.
: Why are you always looking for a chance to quarrel? Just say, you’re not going to wear blue. Simple! Why always in such a jugglery of words!! Disgusting!! And, don’t forget to marry ASAP.
: No, I won’t. You marry. I’ve decided not to marry before you. I just want to prove that you never loved me.
: No no no!! Marry just tomorrow, right now! Otherwise, you’ll ruin my peace & I’ll ruin yours. I’m tired. I’ll take a nap now. Why are you so quarrelsome always? Even a girl won’t be able to beat you, I can bet!
: I’ll be busy tomorrow. I’ll have to sleep the whole day long, no time to marry. Sorry! And, I like to be quarrelsome. OK, from now on, I’ll quarrel with other girls. Never will I bother you. Promise!
: Hello Mr! Listen, don’t feign! I know you already do this with other girls. Girls are also so stupid! They have no work! Crazy idiots!!
: Hey! Don’t ever scold girls in front of me! It hurts! I love them all.
(……….long silence………….)
: Hello! Are you there? Hello……………
No Strings Attached.............................................
Thank you; I can NEVER trust anyone again. People, who flatter you all the time, you really think they love you? They don't. They love your success ONLY. And God forbids, if you ever drop down, these people will be gone too. So try not to hurt people who actually care next time, for whoever it may be, they will agree to stay beside you when the rest of the world will decide to leave you. To the world, you may be a saint, but to me, you are someone who ruined my perfect life. I know you’ll get some perverted sort of self-satisfaction if I tell you how badly I’d fallen for you. You can use me as an example of how ‘charming’ you’re to the next boy you’ll talk to. (or already have used? Who knows!) At this point, I really don’t care.
When you pretended to accept everything I wanted you to accept, you should have realized that I am not one of those cheap guys who flirt with different girls every other day. To you, I was just another random guy you love to pass time with. But, you were the ONLY girl I decided to let into my life in 28 years! You pretended to have feelings for me. And my biggest mistake was being in love with everything you said; you were fake, I was not. You led me on, made me fall for you and then when you realized that I had badly fallen for you, you lost interest and threw me out of your life. At first, I was in denial. I couldn’t believe how I could be SO wrong in judging you; I couldn’t believe you were not the person I thought you were. I couldn’t believe the cheap mentality beneath that decent face of yours…..so deceiving! Deceiving; yes, it is!
And even then I couldn’t hate you. Instead, I started to hate myself being disgusted by how much priority I gave to, how much feelings I wasted on the wrong person. You have damaged me. I didn’t deserve this. You had no right to come to my life and play with it when you had absolutely no intention to stay in it. Now, I understand the ability to hate is a gift. It makes your life easier---you can pour all your frustration on the object of your hatred, blame it for every bad thing that happens to you, even if it is as irrelevant as a crow sh****ng on you. It’s funny, huh? Sometimes not being able to hate is a blessing too. Hatred holds you back, keeps you from moving on and in a way constantly reminds you of the very thing you want to forget. But what disturbs me is the grey area between this ‘hate not-hate’ dilemma. How would you explain it?
I would sit for hours staring at a book and even the kindest words would stare back at me, mockingly. Every few minutes, I would check my cell phone with little hope to see a small envelope sign at its top left corner. A message, even if it were a monosyllable ‘hm’ from the number with seven and three as its last digits, was ALL I would look forward to in an entire day. My heart would miss a beat every freaking time my phone buzzed……but your text never came, NEVER!
For someone like me, who has never done anything in his life apart from dreaming of being or being with fictional characters of books and movies, being in love with both melody and its creators, feeling what I write. Keeping away from the old passions is something like refusing to breathe. I could hardly sleep, even if I could, luckily, I’d see you in my dreams! I could not take you hovering in my head 24/7 any longer…….it was getting unbearable with each passing day. And then came a point when I desperately wanted to call you and ask you to treat me nicely, I wanted you to be with me, talk to me even if all of it were pretence, all words just fake. I, who had been habituated with refusing all the goddamn gorgeous girls around, whose every single wish got fulfilled at home even before he demanded, was on the verge of begging you for your time!
But I never called. Neither did I text. It’d kill me inside, but I made it a point that I’d never inbox you FIRST. You’d inbox me every 4/5 days asking me how I was. Do you know how it sounded? It was like a person who threw another person on to the fire and then kept asking the latter how he was feeling at every 5 minutes interval! I’d stare at the message for a long time, a hundred thoughts racing my mind, another hundred stabs wounding my heart. Then I would reply with a small ‘not bad’ followed by a full stop. I started to like full stops! You never heard the cries of desperation behind that ‘not bad’ of mine, never saw the tears in my eyes through that ‘not bad’, never felt the intensity of my emotions that the insignificant ‘not bad’ echoed…….did you?
Do you know why I never called or texted or inboxed you first? Because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to take it if you didn’t reply or pick up my call. I was scared of not being able to handle your neglect. I was scared of not being able to wait long enough for that reply, what if it never came? That is what you did to my self-esteem---shattered it to pieces, stamped it with your feet until it turned to dust. And all the while you acted like nothing had happened. You were living your perfect happy life while I was dying inside.
During those countless, sleepless nights I would often ask myself---was it all fake? Did you not feel a thing? Really? How could you not feel that burning chemistry that sparked between us? Was it really one-sided? How could I be so sure about you while being SO wrong? I never had the courage to ask you if you ever felt anything for me. Reason being the same: fear in my mind---about maybe what you’d say would just crush me more. And I was not ready to accept it. I wanted to believe that no matter how temporary it was, it was real, that it had at least some meaning. But it never had any meaning, not for you and therefore not for me….…until yesterday…….
But you know what? You are not the end of my world. You don’t have the capability to feel with the depth with which I feel. You can NEVER be true to anyone; you can never be true to yourself. I laugh at myself for liking someone who wasn’t worthy of my feelings. But I feel pity for you. Because you let someone like me go; someone who would have stopped the world for you. I know you won’t feel guilty. You are probably laughing at me right now or taking a sadistic pride in your control over my emotions. You will probably say that you treated me ‘just as a friend’ and that I misunderstood everything. And you will probably never realize that what you did to me was wrong; actually, women of your type never do. You play with someone’s feelings and when you get bored you switch to the next guy. Then again I don’t care anyone anymore. Thankfully, I don’t even want you anymore. I am telling you all this neither because I want any answer from you nor because I want your sympathy but because I want closure on you. You were a bad dream and I woke up from it. Did you just get your answer?
You said those 3 words, 8 letters, and I went blank. Complete black-out. Pin-drop silence. The world around me stopped---grasping the magnitude of the moment, absorbing it as much as it could. Now, I don’t want to ask you anything. I finally got my closure on you. I finally got my answer. I can finally rest because all my feelings were not pointless, after all. It doesn’t matter even if you don’t mean it. I just needed to hear it once. By saying it out loud, you have freed me from yourself…….now I have no strings attached to you………… Thank you for my happiness.
