20/05/2025
#6030
Just wanted to get this off my chest before moving on.
Things haven't been easy lately. I've been dealing with a lot, some of it due to my own mistakes, some just bad luck. I messed up. Big time. Failed on some things that were incredibly important, things that I felt were opportunities not many people get. Because of my blunders, I've lost something precious, something that brought a deep sense of peace and well-being. It's hard to even talk about, it sounds unbelievable, and the pain and regret are immense.
I had a fight I needed to fight, and I didn't. I had moments where I felt strong, but I was alone and struggled to believe I could make a difference. There was a time when I felt like I really needed someone to just listen, someone who wouldn't judge, even if they couldn't fully grasp what I was going through. An ear would have made a difference. Instead, I felt broken, and ultimately, I failed because I didn't even try. And you will never know about all this.
The self-blame has been constant. I keep thinking about what I could have done, what I should have done when I had the chance. The worst part is knowing that my failure has had consequences for people I care about. I carry a lot of guilt about that, more than you can imagine. It makes it hard to even want to exist sometimes (not suicidal).
There's no one else to point the finger at; it's on me. I'm trying to live with the weight of it, to somehow make amends for the losses that happened because I wasn't strong enough when it mattered.
All the above has got nothing to do with you..
And about you,
You're right to keep your distance. I'm in a difficult place, and I wouldn't want to bring anyone down with me. I'm sorry if I've caused you pain or if anything I've done has felt manipulative. That wasn't my intention, or if it was, I have forgotten my agenda.
I'd request not to complain too much to god about me though..
I hope you find strength in your own life. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.
I didn't really want to write this. It changes nothing, and I've accepted things as they are. You have every right to move on from me. It's clear we've drifted apart, and with our recent texts I understand you don't see me as a friend anymore, besides I am kind of tired of receiving undirected hate from your anonymous confessions
I'm not trying to justify anything. Just needed to express some of what's been weighing on me. You had made it clear on multiple occasions that you don't want much closure with me I think I should have stepped away early on. however things just played out the way they did especially with those stories your alt-account things, random confessions and your own mental health problems you never felt safe to share (another failure of mine as a friend but I tried to be sympathetic) added a lot to my confusion and complexities, and this is the end of it.
And if you are looking for any particular hints in this confession, I think besides sharing a lot of similarities you had used timestamp hint in one of your most earliest confessions which you wont prolly remember, so yes its me, hello!!
Regarding any anonymous messages or mail or earlier insight posts you might be referring to, I'm not the person behind those, and maybe you are someone else than I intend.
If you have issues with someone specific, it's probably better to address them directly instead of relying on indirect communication.